Escaping the mundane

Stability is delightful, but as soon as monotony strikes in, life gets boring.This is what happened to me at the beginning of the summer. I decided that my last summer as a child needs to be productive and entertaining. Of course, you would say summer is the perfect time to have fun, but is it really? Growing up involves more responsibilities, and I felt ready to take it. Overlooking the summer school part, I can say my summer was full of frolic activities. This summer gave me a huge amount of joyful moments. For instance, I got to travel a bit, which is personally, very overwhelming. Seeing a little piece of this gigantic world is a step closer towards revealing the secrets of the universe. It is worth living. In addition, I got to spent more time with important to me people. Somehow, I got to see that inspiring sense of life within my parents, their beautiful smiles, and proud looks. And once again, I got convinced how lucky I am to have such amazing friends. It does not end here, someone even managed to turn my life upside down, to challenge me into believing again.I felt so blessed. I also felt a bit reckless , for I enjoyed each moment. Sometimes, I even forgot the tomorrow day, just laid there, on the grass, feeling the sun caressing my cheeks. It was that moment, when I realized that happiness is something self-inflicted, by our own spirits.No denying there were some days wrapped around somberness and the smell of sorrow, but they made their way out really quick. Nevertheless, the best part of my summer was, and continues to be the fact that I became part of something important, something heart warming. I became a volunteer. Frankly because I always wanted to do it: to help others, and try to make a change. This experience changed the way I look at the world. Being around small children, doing something for them is simply great. Although some can say reading to small children does not necessarily mean improving the society, I’d bet to differ. I offered them a story, in exchange for their sincere smiles. And you know what? this is the best reward in the world. Those honest „thank you(s)” were enough to make me feel different, to make me feel freed from the everyday monotony. Those curious eyes were enough to understand that for once I can be heard, heard when I want to help. Maybe they did not change the society, but they have definitely changed me. It might me an overstatement, but it’s how I feel.I escaped the mundane, and I achieved some sort of pride. Some are heroes, and some are not. Well, I would simply let you judge on who am I.

I would simply want to live this summer all over again.

I would simply want to live those moments of happiness, all over again.

Thank you all, who knows me well enough to understand my complicated world.

Yours, truly D

So it was a summer day through the eyes of a child

It was an early summer morning in the countryside. The birds were chirping, and the sun shine snuck into my room, waking me up. Still half awake, I opened the window, and suddenly it seemed like I entered a new world. The garden was filled with a harmonic combination of colors and sounds. The flamboyant butterflies were waltzing in the sky, while the buzzing bees were too busy to collect the sweetness of the flowers. The smell of magic was in the air; it was blended with the fresh flavors of fruits and dew. I wanted to explore the kingdom of the golden summer; therefore, I dressed up and went hunting for some cherries in the garden. After getting a taste of life in the land of fruits, I decided to join my grandparents at the lake. The short walk on the grotesque roads of the village was filled with tranquility and the scent of summer, but as soon as I took the verdant path towards the lake, the trees became alive, and the birds in the sky created an abstract view of a cloud made of feathers. Unexpectedly, the creatures under the bushes began to stir, and small drops of rain started to caress my cheeks. A moment later, I have spotted my grandparents slowly walking towards me under the mizzle of a summer day. Apparently enjoying the rain was in my blood. They have greeted me with kind words as well as lovely smiles, and we all were on our way back home. It was day full of splendor moments, and I realized how lucky I was to experience the beauty of the world.

P.S. (written in Bruno Schultz’s style)

Let the game begin

There is supposed to be an introduction to this article, but lets simply change the rules. It is a cloudy summer day, and all I can think about is „the mystery”. Funny isn’t it?To think of something that can be defined individually in so many ways. I define it as the unknown that intrigues me. I am so damn curious, I want to know… to know, to reveal the mystery of my future (like many others). Frankly, I just need some answers. My world is complicated, partly because I choose to do it that way. But it’s who I am, and I love complicated. Easy is boring, in a way. Anyways, going on, taking a look back, to the person I was a while ago, still curious, but now definitely  more mature. It’s the beauty of growing up, its mystery that caught my attention. To me it seems that time simply jogs around with extra comfortable running shoes, cause I am not aware of its speed. Stop, give me a chance to enjoy the moment. It seems it was yesterday, when I just attended my first dance class, oh nostalgia…But we all grow up, we all pass through those annoying and enjoyable moments of being young and reckless. I want to keep it general, but I can’t…the most important person in my life told me that achievements are part of our personalities, of our desires and hopes. It is the missing part of our mysteries, of our futures. Big dreams, we all have those. It’s mysteriously captivating…the future. The feel of magic excites me. And yes I am a Harry Potter fan, but I am referring to the magic of our lives. Craving being complete and happy, transforming our dreams into real achievements, doesn’t it sound GOOD?Yes, it does. Melting the wall of ignorance could help…help to see, admire and enjoy the moment. Fascinating, and yet mysterious, this life.

 

P.S. few words, much meaning

When the world goes wild

It is either me growing up, or the world is going mad….Maybe it is the generation I live in, with limitless internet and selfie personalities…but it gets more and more disturbing…is this the modernity flu? Where did it all go? the time? the „live” interaction with our peers? the real life? Does it all depends on our use of cell phones or social media accounts? Slow it down man… just take it slow…Internet is a necessity sometimes…and sometimes a commodity;however, it is not what creates our life experiences. Did you ever heard of „first impressions”? Yes, exactly those moments when you have your first kiss, your first high-five with a small child, and that never getting old first sleepover under an open sky. I think this is what makes our lives more colorful. Honestly, I want my childhood back, because  there was no internet in it, we used to have fun with no devices or online games.      We had that non virtual connection, that nowadays seems to be not that popular. I crave those first impressions, and for me internet+free time=loss of time.Keeping it simple, growing up sucks. It means no time to play, and more responsibilities. Is it always like this?getting old is exhausting, and it has just two colors: black and white. Isn’t it boring? Somehow, some years just passed by, and I didn’t even notice. What a dilemma, we have to decide whether or not we want to follow the crowd and get  virtual modernity in our blood, or just inhale the old approach, and simply get a real life. But like most of you, I am also unsuccessful in giving up on „virtual life”. Is there a cure? I bet not. We just cannot live without our mobile devices or our flat screens. The world is going wild. I want my first impressions, I want a change. Therefore, this is an official attempt of going back to old-fashioned real life. My dreams won’t get by spam to the realization station, and the books that collect the dust on my desk, won’t get read on their own. It actually feels great, just to write this down, just to let my thoughts flow in this blog. Don’t drown in here please, I don’t want to provoke those modernists to scream and shout on my „aging ideas”. 

Forever yours, a girl inside this big world.
Come, join me, and imagine your world with me. 

Unsaid words

Going on with my philosophy of life, I would like to talk about fears…. and maybe to admit that I, myself am a coward, and each time I see my reflection in the mirror, I know…I will never change,I will always be that person who is afraid to overcome its fears. Talking about fears, is there a book with instructions how to be brave? I guess not, and I bet that if someone will ever write a book about it, that person will be billionaire. I want to be laconic, and to find a way to be happy, because all those fears, they hunt me down and take me back to the initial stage…to my failure.Temptation, that is what I feel when I see all those people who succeed…the temptation to try…to be happy.I am not going to define happiness, as it is different for everyone.

 Frankly, my happiness consists of simple things, things that I will never have, of deeds that will never be dedicated to me…Can you blame me for hoping? You better do, because those hopes, they eventually die…so here it comes, that fear to have expectations, as I know, ” no expectations, no disappointments”. I prefer to drown my hopes and expectations, as soon as they give me one reason to smile, and yes it is hilarious because I prefer reality over ” imagination” …However, bravery is that one thing I definitely lack. Right now, I try to come up with some excuses, or answers, and all I know it’s that I just can’t, can’t go farther than my own limits…and yet I wish for infinity in each decision, not that it will make sense for most of those who read it, but for me it does. 
Oh, I have been carried away…this is why I like books, they have that infinite sense of unreal nakedness. Being just a face in the crowd, and pretending that you are fearless it’s a way, although not always. Some fight, and some just give up…but in the end, personally I guess my fears will never go….so what do I do? That long list of fears, it’s infinite…and yet I am stronger that I seem…I want to leave it that way, and I do not want to be responsible for making others unhappy…
P.S. Hurting others is one of those fears, therefore what other way of overcoming my fear I have if not keeping distance?
It’s simple, none.

A thousand words

The last few days I had something in my mind, this insane idea of how I would have described my life, if I’d had to do it in a thousand words.To be honest, I’d like to say a lot of words, but none of them would really describe how I see my life.Writing this article, I try to imagine what is the best thing I did in my life and what I am proud of…and nothing comes to my mind. Maybe because I have never done something worthy… or good enough to be proud of myself.I have no talents, and I think I have nothing really exceptional that others have, like singing or dancing ballet…or any other extraordinary abilities.

You know what they say, a life it’s worth living if you had planted a tree, if you had built a house and if you had raised a child…and I do agree, maybe that’s the purpose of life,but I didn’t reach that level yet, and maybe I never will.

A thousand words,crazy, but I can try…I think the first word needed to say a life it’s worth living is family,yes it’s so typical, it’s so not unusual, but trust me, it’s definitely what I will advice my kids( if I will have any) to value…A life spent without those who will support you, who will protect you and who will take care of you, no matter how hypocrite you are, it’s a life lived in vain….and yes, I know not all have this luxury, but for those who do, people, love your family, love those who love you unconditionally.The next element, of a life close to perfection for me,is true friends that will accept me the way I am, crazy and excentric, that will accept me being this weirdo in their life, those friends that will know my bad sides, and still will be there for me, because friendship means trusting and being trust.
Speaking about heaven,yes, heaven, because having caring family and reliable friends means that you are doing it right, means that you have on whom to rely on and whom to care about…Thank you, if you are reading it. Anyways, going on, yes I am denying it all the time, but I think everyone deserves that true love, which seems not to exist, but imagining it, do you need perfection? a good advice, the right person, even having lots of flaws, will be perfect for you… actually writing now, I am trying to understand how it works, how do people find the right person, and I don’t know…however,going on…I do want to know what for you ,my readers, means a life worth living, and I do not expect thousands of words…
To conclude, I want to say, maybe money, career and all those things we can buy are worth living, but without moral values they are nothing.Thank you for your time,and the cherry on the top of the cake, I am smiling, I am smiling,because I don’t regret not having all those luxuries than can be bought with money, or not….I didn’t say I’m over, I am definitely doing a good story of my life.

What has changed?

Today, and one year ago…..so many things have happened, and yet I don’t regret anything….This whole time I thought I was lost, but I wasn’t; I finally understood some things, I finally am on my way to find who I really am ….and what I really want. So what has changed? Well, many things! First of all, lets make it official, I am older with one year, but I still feel like a 12 year-old one. I know, I know, it is not something worth continuing reading this article, but wait for it…
What are the chances that when you are in a new place, where everything is unknown, you won’t fall ? Well, I can’t argue the fact that without falling you won’t succeed; however, if all that surrounds you is pain,darkness and emptiness, in that case all you are left with is hoping….hoping that maybe, someday you won’t feel the way you do, hoping to discover all those hollow corners of your soul, to discover what you need for happiness….And no, this is not a drama scene …I just wanted to explain, why this year, this last year of challenges, made this huge change in my life…Probably, nobody will care of what I’ve been through, cause „hey, everyone has ups and downs”, and it’s so true…But I want to scream to the whole world, to scream that I could, I could arrange some pieces in this huge puzzle of my life…What has changed? A lot!I am no longer afraid to let people in, I am no longer ashamed of who I am. I nailed it! I like who I am… I like the people around me… There is something about hard times, they actually make you stronger…  make you realize, how important is to trust, and to fight for what you want… at least to try to become happy… and now I know it’s time to say .. I am happy,maybe I don’t have everything I want, but it’s enough to understand that what I have in my life now, it’s what I really need…it’s what makes me smile every morning…
Call me naive, call me as you wish… it’s not important anymore…because everything has changed… because I started a new chapter in my life! Yes, childish thoughts, yes weird person… yes that’s who I am, and you know what? I do think that uniqueness it’s about being who you really are, but not about pretending and trying to be someone else…
What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger!

Just thank you!

I know that these simple words are hard to say …especially to those who really deserves them…
First at all I want to thank my mom, yes mommy I want to say you how thankful I am for all that I have, for all that I achieved and for all I just felt in my life…I know that everything in this life is extremely hard and not how we want it to be… but you made it… don’t think that you lived your life useless… you passed through all the life’s traps… you didn’t broke…and I just admire you for all those things that you gave up just because of me… I love you, and I love you no matter what I say or what I show…because of you I had become who I am now… maybe I am not the perfect daughter …or the perfect child… but mom ,just thank you for not giving up on me…thank you for still loving me even if I so ” not perfect” … and such an ass… Your are my whole world… you are my family and you are the one who gave me my life… so thank you for this…
I want to thank my family… those who saw all my way till now… I want to thank you for everything… from the beginning… for love, patience, for caring and for being so great …
I know that there is a person who loves me even if we are arguing, who tries to be my family… and I appreciate everything you do for me… even if I don’t show it… or even if I am behaving like a jerk… thank you… and sorry for all….
I’m also thankful for all those people who maybe hated me, or didn’t stand me or just hurt me maybe with words or maybe with behaviors… I just go on, I know I can’t be a friend for everyone… and I know that people change and nothings remains the same, I also know what I can’t be part of world of those who don’t need it, who don’t need me close or even far, I respect your choices….so thank you…
The ones who care about me, who stand all my jokes and complaints, who accept me no matter who am I,…thank you friends…
P.S. Thanks for everything, thanks all of you… I am who I am , and I am just thankful for this….thankful for all the things that happened in my life, and for all those people who were, are and will be part of my universe….

My theory of love

Let’s say, before I’d had a theory ….it was kind of weird, maybe not everyone will agree with me…..but I am going to tell it anyway…
So …love is a feeling of our soul, a kind of illogic transformations that happen in our body and in our mind…I have an explanation for this….
There are 3  types of love
1. the love for your family, for those who are part of you from your first day of life….it’s your mother, father, siblings if you have them… maybe for an animal….. for a member of your family…. it’s a concept of blood connection…it’s something inexplicable … you fell that warmth…you love your family.

2.The sense of friendship….it can also be named as a love… perhaps it’s different but it’s a  feeling  of attachment, trust, loyalty and craziness…the friend is the one you can rely on, you just know that someone is near when you need it… it can be named „love”

3.The great emotion of butterflies in your stomach(that I can’t explain because I don’t know how it works, but I’d really like to know) that high feeling and that blindness maybe….it’s something you don’t want to lose, it’s something you just enjoy…it’s amazing, it’s what you need….but this feeling is just a kind of habituation…first you feel the sympathy …but then you get used to someone…you know the smell, the words and the behaviour….all that wonderful moments have an end…

But from all these loves…2 of them may disappear … the last 2 loves are the ones you can lose in counted moments…everything seems to be so complicated….but in fact I was right….as soon as the persons learn to exist  without you, the „love” just evaporates…the friends, the lovers… they just don’t care anymore… I don’t want to be rough …but it’s my true now…

It’s better to be an ice person, no feelings -no pain …I know it’s silly but you can’t believe in something that doesn’t have a reasonable explication…it’s just an effect of chemistry ….or whatever they call it

A lost letter

I don’t even know whom I’m writing to…this are just some words I’d like to tell to the person who once was friend, to the person who became a piece of me and then just disappeared, to the person who broke my heart ,to the person who have ever offended me or to the person who just hated me…I’m not sure what I need to say…. but this people changed me…some of them gave me the reason to be stronger, not so naïve, some of them proved that maybe I’m not perfect but I won’t be the judging one ….maybe I lost my entire life, my entire feelings, maybe I lost myself but I am not going to be someone else…I’m going to be me…I’m going to say thank you for all this, no matter what, this made me stronger… maybe I’m not the girl who anybody want to be friend with, maybe I’m not the girl any boy wants to date with…. but I am me, and as long I will be the real person…the human…I don’t want to get hurt by whose who I love and about I care…and I won’t make the mistake to hate… I can’t hate someone for not loving me, for not wanting to be my friend or just for the fact of judging me…I have difficulties in my life even without having someone in it…I just lost the persons I used to believe in …the persons I used to think I’m important for …the persons I loved and maybe still love… the friends that chose to give up on our relationship…the persons who tried to make me feel miserable… I just can’t hate them…. I just can’t be upset…this is everybody’s choice, opinion and life …I can’t give an advice to people who maybe feel, or ever felt like me…but we have just to let it go…I need to get rid of that stuff that takes me down…this is a kind of weird to explain or even to try to show….it’s just something ordinal …something without meaning and without time to understand…it’s life …it’s this big, hard and shitty life…
I wish to these people just the best moments in the life…just happiness and just good luck….
This is a lost letter for those who maybe won’t recognise themselves in my words…this is just a scream inside me that I needed to set free….
Imagine your world with me…with a total stranger…with a girl inside this big world around you!